We never exactly know when it falls apart. Sometimes the realization comes only when the weight of exhaustion mixed with a certain numbness and confusion lies far too heavy upon our shoulders. When I begin to break down I start to question my purpose in life. I then seek to fill the void that I believe has swallowed me. In a panic, the search ensues for something that will make me feel alive again. Something to reignite the spark that keeps me moving. My imagination is not necessarily my friend in these moments of despair because it will conjure up the most outlandish and ridiculous means to trick myself into feeling alive again. This time I was hell bent on purchasing a new racing motorcycle and scheduling track days again, even though my body has been off the bike for twelve years now. Jesus, just bring me another whiskey.

I am an over achiever. I want to produce the greatest amount of activity on a daily basis that I am capable of producing. I want things to work out perfectly, according to plan and in the most efficient manner possible. Do not mistake this desire for perfectionism. I am not a detail oriented person. I realize that something that is truly perfect does not exist and I am perfectly comfortable just getting really close to it, as long as it is done the way I have planned. Organization is key to my mental well being. A clean and tidy environment brings me joy. Keeping tools, equipment, vehicles, etc. in good working mechanical order is non-negotiable. I do not consider these traits to be obsessive or compulsive because I do not feel panicked if something is a bit out of whack. I have simply discovered that being organized, in a clean environment with all of my tools working properly provides me with the greatest opportunity to function in the most efficient and productive manner. This controlled environment is where I thrive, as long as I am the one in control.

You can not outrun your shadow. We all know this but yet we continuously do exactly that. When something is not going they way we want it to, then we work harder and faster to change, i.e. fix, the situation so that it conforms to our desire and yields the expected outcome. We will behave this way even if the situation not changeable out of our desire to control it. We may do this unconsciously for hours, or even days or weeks. What we should be doing during these circumstances is stand down, take a step back and breath. Just like the only way to lose your shadow is to rest beneath a tree in shade. For me, the motorcycle is a metaphor of this chasing behavior because on the bike I am in complete control. Even though I know that purchasing a new bike and melting some rubber on a track somewhere is not going to do much for my overall well being, I also know that for just a little while I will be in full control of something and that will make me feel good. No different than drugs or alcohol, it is a temporary high that offers a respite from anxiety. This high won’t last long and will only have me looking for the next fix, soon.

Until today, this blog post has sat in draft form on a server somewhere in the internet for the last thirty some days. I felt that it lacked direction and a cohesive message. I did not know how to finish it, but I was determined to do so. I thought about it often and how I just needed to completely rewrite it. Instead, I left it alone. I don’t need to change it, I don’t need for it to be better, I am satisfied to allow it to be. Maybe that is the message that I was looking for on that day that I wanted to buy that motorcycle.